How I Went Blind

the only worse thing than being blind

If we are more than 5 feet apart, I’m sorry in advance if I offend you.  The difference between men and women in my blurry world is a question of hair length.  My drivers license even states that I become a danger to society the second I take a seat behind heavy machinery without spectacles.  I would be offended, but it’s true.

Welcome to the world of the blind.  

But with the wonders of modern science, contacts and glasses give my world definition. Life goes from the static of a 1950’s antenna TV to crisp 20th century HD.  In a weird way, I’ve always wanted to take a few blurry days. If I had been born before glasses existed, what would semi-blind life be like?

Maybe it’s all the Kung Fu movies I watched during childhood that produced such a shortsighted fantasy.  Is it weird to want to hone my senses with a wise old sensei dropping knowledge during a round of blindfolded-nun-chuck-training?  In any case, some dreams are meant to happen.

Last week was a blur.


Step 1: MC an event

On stage in front of at least 100 people – mostly strangers – and one goal is running through my mind: entertain and keep the show running.  It’s time to introduce our next speaker.

In the middle of an anecdote detailing how he and I hitchhiked on a canoe (true story), my left eye twitches with pain and the left side of the auditorium gets blurry.

Uh oh.

For those of you gifted with the ability to see, this happens from time to time for us blind folk. A contact goes rogue.

Stopping the event to search around on my hands and knees for a near invisible piece of plastic is a big no no. Occasions like these are why we have glasses!

Contacts, KO’d.


Step 2: Take a power nap

4 hours later I tossed my limp body into bed, exhausted from the event. Waking up, I roll over on my…

Bifocals? Bye bye 20th century, these glasses just took a tumble back in time, and no amount of duct tape can mend this break.

Glasses, KO’d.


Step 3: Try not to offend people

And that, ladies and gentleman, is one of the many ways one can go blind.  But alas, life must go on.  From Saturday to Thursday I hugged ever person I met.  Not by any choice of my own, it was a strategic decision to figure out if this stranger and I have a history.  Half the time, our history begun with the awkward post hug stare I give them. I can’t tell who the hell anyone is until their blurry ass warms a seat across a table from me.

So, if I offended you this week by ignoring you, don’t worry. It’s not my fault.  It’s genetics.


Step 4: Acceptance

Over 4 hours, I went blind. Before this week, I didn’t give my glasses or contacts a second thought. After 6 blurry days, I verbally accosted an eye doctor that I’d never met.

You are a god. I LOVE you.

He seemed a little shocked, but got over it.

This little surprise made me think.  A feeling of gratefulness repeatedly washed over me each day. What if I had been born before glasses existed?

What else do we take for granted?

For those fortunate enough to be with family this weekend, think about how beautiful that is.  I can’t help but be grateful as hell.  Having a family that is together – no matter how screwed up or crazy they are – is beautiful.  My family is a trip, and they’re a gift.


That’s how easy it was for my life to lose it’s definition.  We never know when something we take for granted will be abruptly be taken away. Fate doesn’t listen to our Gcal schedule.

So let’s do ourselves a favor.  No matter what’s going on, try and not take life, families, or our bifocals for granted.  They’ll appreciate it.  We never know when the glasses might break.


Written with love,



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